Okay, let’s all just calm down. There’s no need to freak out or make a scene. Just a moment ago, Celia was lying in her lawn chair in front of her house, sunbathing for all the neighbors to see, and then in an instant she vanished into thin air. This is certainly alarming, but there’s probably a logical reason for what we’ve just seen. Here are six perfectly rational explanations for why Celia just disappeared from her lawn chair, leaving no trace.
1. God deleted her
When Celia vanished from her lawn chair, people started running around screaming and crying, shrieking about how they had no idea how this could possibly happen. But did anyone ever stop to think that maybe Celia vanished because God decided to delete her from existence? Think about it: Celia is pretty boring. She never sets things on fire and she doesn’t own a gun. Maybe God got tired of watching her do the same dumb stuff every day, decided enough was enough, and made her become gone. No reason to freak out!
2. Celia decided to zap herself into the past
Celia is always talking about how she wishes she could live in Ancient Greece so she could watch hot guys wrestle naked. Maybe when she was out on her lawn chair just now, she got tired of dreaming about going to Ancient Greece and decided to actually just go there. Right now we’re all getting hysterical and frantic just because Celia vanished in an instant, but did we ever consider that maybe she just decided to zap herself thousands of years into the past to watch hot guys wrestle naked? That would be totally on-brand for Celia, and it’s a pretty reasonable explanation when you think about it.
3. Celia was summoned to another realm by that sorcerer she’s always talking about
Anyone who knows Celia knows she’s always looking for excuses to bring up that sorcerer acquaintance of hers who lives on another plane of existence. Any time anyone tells a personal story, Celia always follows it up by saying, “A similar thing happens to the sorcerer I know who dwells in an alternate realm of magic.” And any time she’s late for anything, Celia’s always like, “Sorry, I got delayed because the sorcerer I know summoned me to his realm with a spell so that he could do experiments on me.” It’s possible that Celia vanished from her lawn chair just now because that sorcerer friend of hers was pulling some bullshit.
4. Magnets
Maybe Celia vanished because of magnets. Ever think of that?
5. Celia went on vacation
Just because someone has instantaneously vanished like a bubble popping doesn’t mean that something bad has happened to them. Maybe Celia disappeared because she went on vacation. Think of it this way: Celia likes to go on vacation. She can’t be on vacation if she’s in a lawn chair in front of her house. If she disappears in the blink of an eye, then she’s no longer in the lawn chair in front of her house. Thus, Celia is on vacation. Once again the scientific method has proven that what just happened is perfectly normal.
6. The lawn chair deemed Celia unworthy to lie on it and banished her from existence
Instead of running around screaming about Celia vanishing this and Celia vanishing that, let’s calm down for a second and think about the lawn chair’s role in all this. Celia’s been lounging on that chair for years, and maybe the chair has finally rejected Celia as an outsider and banished her from existence. The chair is allowed to do that. Chairs are animals and they can banish people who sit on them if they want. Instead of worrying about Celia, we should just become friends with the chair. Seriously, everyone just calm down and be nice to the chair. Nothing weird is going on here. Everything is fine.
