Physical pain can be debilitating, but sometimes being in constant, overwhelming agony can have its advantages as well: This woman is in too much physical pain to really notice her emotional pain.
Wow. This is great news for this woman, and even better news for Reductress, a website that is welcome to rent this headline for ONLY $450/month!
You heard us, Reductress! Only $450 a month!
You see, when this headline about Aubrey Lowry—a 32-year-old whose rheumatoid arthritis and low back pain are so bad that they have mercifully eclipsed the mental anguish caused by her manipulative ex and passive-aggressive mother—came up at our latest headline meeting, we thought it was a slam dunk. Almost too much of a slam dunk to be allowed to languish on ClickHole’s social media pages where it would likely generate a meager 6,200 likes, tops.
But then we got to thinking. What if we could share the story of how Aubrey’s severe bloating and excruciating migraines allowed her to overcome her unrelenting mental health issues with the largest audience possible while also making a little bit of scratch at the same time?
You see, to be frank, monetizing our content is becoming trickier and trickier for ClickHole, and we’re always looking for ways to diversify our income streams. From the outside looking in, Reductress is absolutely killing it, and we’d love to find a way to share the wealth. We aren’t looking for charity, of course. Our projections suggest that Reductress could expect to see 62,934 likes and 13,245 shares from this headline on Instagram alone! To sweeten the deal, if Reductress pulls the trigger on renting this headline within the next 24 hours, we’re going to throw in the following supporting paragraph about Aubrey’s journey from depressed unemployed woman watching bad TV in her messy apartment to mentally stable unemployed woman watching bad TV while moaning in pain in a ball on the floor!
FREE BONUS TEXT [OFFER EXPIRES SOON!]
“I used to spend all day crying about my childhood and the terrible way my parents treated me, not to mention hating myself because of the emotional manipulation my ex put me through,” Aubrey explained to her therapist in what would end up being her last session. “Thank God I threw out my back while carrying a few cases of Cuties oranges up the three flights of stairs to my apartment. The amount of physical pain I’m experiencing has finally reached the tipping point where I can barely detect the mental darkness and dread that once psychologically overwhelmed me.”
Wow, being this woman and sealing this deal are both goals! Opportunities like this don’t come along often, so Reductress, you’re gonna want to fax over your response to our proposal today!
But that’s not all! If you want to find out how things turned out for Aubrey, you can also order our PREMIUM rental agreement for only $25/month more which will not only include a wrap-up paragraph for this headline, but also the use of a bonus headline, “Straight Edge Band Breaks Edge On Stage 5 Minutes Into First Show,” which we have been trying to rent to The Hard Times for months with no response. Hey, it must be nice to constantly crank out 50k-like bangers like it ain’t no thang, so why not share the love a little with a fellow satire site in need? Let us know! We’d hate to have to go to The Babylon Bee with this!
