Candy Crush is an incredibly popular game with over 200 million monthly users, so there’s a good chance you know someone who spends more time than they’d like to admit playing the app. However, it looks like app’s creators have something positive to say to anyone who’s addicted to the game: Candy Crush has announced that there’s no shame in being addicted to Candy Crush because playing their game for hours is way healthier than how everyone else spends time on their phone.
Damn. Looks like Candy Crush is definitely going off here.
Earlier this week, the gaming studio behind Candy Crush announced in a press release that nobody should feel bad about playing Candy Crush all day long because everyone else is just mindlessly staring at social media all day instead. Citing the statistic that the average person spends around five hours per day on their phone, Candy Crush defended their product, arguing that “playing a super fun game is a significantly better use of your time than doomscrolling through a Twitter feed full of tweets from people you hate but can’t bring yourself to unfollow.”
“Look, everyone stares at their phone for hours and hours a day, but only some people are spending those hours working towards a goal, building new skills, and challenging themselves to eliminate candies from the board,” explained Candy Crush in their statement. “What’s really healthier here? Stalking your former classmates on Instagram, watching TikToks where teenagers incorrectly diagnose each other’s mental illnesses, or getting to the next level of Candy Crush as you beam with a sense of achievement? Face the facts: if you’re going to while away your entire day with your face in your phone, Candy Crush is literally the healthiest way to do it.”
“If you ask most people to look at their screen time and explain what they did for all those hours, they’ll come up empty,” continued Candy Crush. “Were they hate-reading a personal essay about imposter syndrome from some random writer all of Twitter is dunking on today? Were they developing an eating disorder while looking at photoshopped bikini pics from influencers? They can’t even remember—it’s dead time for them, significant hours lost each and every day from their precious, limited time on Earth. But ask a Candy Crush addict, and they’ll proudly tell you about all the levels they cleared, as well as the levels they’re still working toward. If that’s not healthy, tell us what is.”
Wow. Candy Crush clearly isn’t playing around here.
“Besides, everyone knows by now that spending tons of time on social media leads to anxiety and depression, as the rates of both have skyrocketed in recent years. But you know the only thing playing Candy Crush leads to? A higher Candy Crush score!” continued the statement. “Honestly, people should be grateful for their Candy Crush addiction, because for many of our users, it’s probably the only reason they haven’t gotten indoctrinated by alt-right propaganda on Facebook.”
“Also, we just want to add that when it comes to addictions, this one isn’t even close to being the worst. No one’s dying of a Candy Crush overdose,” added Candy Crush. “Yeah, maybe a few work deadlines get missed. Yeah, maybe a family has to eat cereal for dinner instead of a home-cooked meal. And yeah, maybe a couple grand that should’ve gone to paying back medical debt goes to Candy Crush in-app purchases instead. But is any of that really so bad? It’s not opioids…”
“Listen, at the end of the day, we’re all helpless against our phones,” concluded Candy Crush. “So if you’re going to be on your device anyway, wouldn’t you want to spend it in a productive way, like Candy Crush? You only get one life. Spend it playing Candy Crush.”
Damn. Do you think Candy Crush made a good case for themselves? Sound off below on whether or not this made you want to start playing Candy Crush instead of entering a hate-spiral after looking at another one of your ex’s Instagram stories!
