So, you’ve decided to become Joy Behar’s primary caretaker. While it’s certainly going to be a major responsibility, it’s also going to be an incredibly rewarding experience. If you’re up for the challenge, there are some ground rules you’ll need to follow to make looking after Joy Behar go as smoothly as possible.
PREPARING YOUR HOME
Before picking Joy Behar up outside The View, you’ll need to make sure your home is ready for her arrival. Remove furniture with sharp objects because her vision is limited at night, and replace cube organizers with a proper credenza, because otherwise she will attempt to crawl inside the cubes.
Additionally, you’ll want to make her feel welcome by giving her a space of her own, but in order to truly be comfortable she’ll need to feel as though she’s the “alpha” of the house, so to speak. For this reason, it’s recommended she get the master bedroom. While you’re welcome to begin sleeping in a guest room, please note that Joy will feel most at home at the sight of you sleeping on the couch.
GROOMING
Be aware that Joy’s hair grows quicker than average, her nails slower than average. Hair maintenance requires one bowl cut per week, lest she begin to look “shaggy.”
At the request of her View cohosts, it’s advised that Joy Behar bathe every other day—ideally supervised, or else she’ll run the water while she waits on the toilet. Contrary to what she may tell you, Joy is not allergic to “tubs.” It is not possible to be allergic to “tubs.”
TEMPERAMENT
Expect Joy to fluctuate between periods of mania followed by episodes of depression. Do your best to avoid sudden loud noises so as to not cause flashbacks to her time fighting in the Vietnam War.
While Joy may hump blankets, couch corners, or any available male leg, she is to remain entirely celibate.
EXERCISE NEEDS
Joy plays seniors volleyball every afternoon at the YMCA. Although she spends most of the game alternating between faking an ankle injury and cursing at the opposing team, it is crucial for her social development that she spends daily time among other members of the elderly community.
DIET
If Joy is happy, give her root vegetables. If she is upset, give her ham.
VACCINATIONS
Joy has been putting off her shingles vaccine since 2001 after hearing that one of her girlfriends had a bad reaction. Do your best to convince her that it’s time to get it. Joy is to receive Covid boosters in accordance with CDC guidelines, though it is advised you tell her they are instead “meningitis stuff,” lest you suffer through her rant about the lab leak theory.
SLEEP
At minimum, Joy must sleep 17 hours per day, but no more than 19 hours. If she has a nightmare, let her sleep in your bed with you. (At your discretion, of course.)
MEDICINES
Let Joy take one birth control pill each morning; her pack is all placebo, she just prefers to feel as though she is of childbearing age.
CRITICAL READING SKILLS
Joy currently reads at a 7th grade level, but her goal is to hit 10th grade level before she dies. Recommended reading materials include The Great Gatsby, The Crucible, and Of Mice and Men.
COMPATIBILITY
Joy does not get along with children, teenagers, men aged 18-35, women aged 18-60, women aged 62-100, pets, or robots.
Follow the advice listed here and you should have no trouble adjusting to your new life with Joy Behar. It’s not always going to be easy, but we assure you it’ll be worth it. Best of luck!
