If you have ever been caught off guard by a situation in which a bunch of people acted like a behavior you thought was abnormal is actually super normal, read on, friend—because everyone at this really average drinks hang is acting like it’s normal to have threesomes, so now this guy is just nodding along, adding in a “haha yes” every now and again, basically making it seem like he does threesomes, too.
These aren’t even his basic friends. They’re his basic friends’s friends. And apparently they’re having group sex all the time, and he has to play along like that makes any sense?!
About 25 minutes into this birthday happy hour—so still everyone’s first drink—the birthday girl very offhandedly mentioned how her boyfriend’s gift to her was a threesome, and literally everyone at the party besides 33-year-old Garrett Pletz muttered a version of, “Yes, my favorite type of gift!” Garrett quickly scanned the brewpub for another set of eyes as bewildered as his, but he came up empty, as apparently every other person at this hang had not only had threesomes (yes, plural), but was eagerly talking about them now.
“I had my first girl-girl the other week,” remarked another guest, adding to Garrett that he was not prepared to “just watch the girls go at it for a while,” to which Garrett, who’s barely even had any twosomes, uncomfortably nodded along and said, “Haha yes, totally.” Garrett quickly dismissed himself to the bathroom, hoping they’d change the subject while he was gone, but when he returned he found that everyone was now on the topic of orgies.
Great. Even more people in the goddamn bed.
To be clear, Garrett isn’t even super religious or conservative. He’s been agnostic since he got into Vonnegut in high school, and back in 2017 he attended the Women’s March, which isn’t a sex thing, obviously, but to him it’s proof he supports sex positivity, or a woman’s right to threesomes, or something like that.
Later, another guest asked Garrett if she’d seen him at the “play party last weekend,” and Garrett replied, “Um, maybe. Yeah… probably.” The woman then asked if the doms in the second bedroom were also the best he’d encountered, and Garrett said, “Mhm. Yup,” and took a long drink from his beer, desperately wishing to be back with his real friends—people who understood that having just one sexual partner at a time was normal, manageable, and maybe even cool.
Look, Garrett didn’t want to say it, but the reason these people love threesomes is probably because they’re brewpub people. Something is fucking off with brewpub people. No judgment, of course.
Poor Garrett. This isn’t an easy situation for anyone to find themselves in. Here’s hoping his friends-of-friends find something else to talk about soon, because if not, he’ll be stuck awkwardly giving the false impression he’s into stuff like piss play and glory holes all damn night.
