Valentine’s Day is here, and that means people are going to be having sex with each other because they love each other. Unfortunately, sex is the most complicated and difficult thing in the entire world and most people are bad at it. Usually we bring in famous sex woman Dr. Ruth to give couples advice for how to make their sex lives bearable, but we recently learned that she died or turned into a snail or something, so we can’t get her to give you any sex tips. However, we were able to find this other very old woman named Glambuss Wellwater, and she says she also knows a lot about sex. So, since we couldn’t get Dr. Ruth to make a Valentine’s Day list of sex tips, we got Glambuss Wellwater to do it instead. Without further ado, here’s Glambuss Wellwater!
Hello, I’m Glambuss Wellwater and I’m a sex woman who knows how to destroy your lives using absolute genitals. My sex tips have led to nudity and pleasure, and if you follow them then you and your significant other will either have an incredible orgasm with each other or you will break up.
1. Kiss It’s Neck
When you’re having sex, remember to kiss it’s neck. It loves when you kiss it on the neck because the neck is where it keeps its eggs. If you kiss the neck, an orgasm will discover your body and ruin your genitals with pleasure. It will love it. It will be a Valementino’s Day to always remember and it is romantic and it is romance.
2. Once You Are Naked, Look At Everyone’s Tits
Tits are one of the most famous parts of sex sometimes. If you are having sex on Vilmemmo’s Day and there are tits, you must remember to look at everyone’s tits in order to have the most sexual pleasure possible. It’s also important to remember that only naked people have tits. If you are wearing a shirt or pants, the tits will be hiding and you will not even find them in the lost and found. It’s just another way to poison your groin with a foul and boring orgasm.
3. Hiding From It Is Useless
While the two of you are having sex, it’s important to remember that hiding from it is useless. Even on Vlementelmo’s Day, it will be crawling around your house while you’re having sex and even if you hide under the blankets while you’re having sex, it’s going to be there and be near you for sex. You and your significant other have to just accept that it knows where you are.
4. Ask Your Partner What I Like
When you’re having sex, I have a lot of expectations. In order to make sure I’m having an amazing time, communication is key. Ask your partner what I’m into. Say things like, “Does Glambuss like when I brush her hair in the midst of sex?” and, “Does Glambuss like it when I get sick in the midst of sex?” The answer to both of these questions is “yes”, and you would never have known it if you hadn’t asked your partner about it. Ask your partner a million questions about what I like, and before you know it, I’ll be whooping and belching with wonderful pleasure.
5. Bang Some Pots And Pans Together
Sex without noise is the worst thing in the world. Sex is filled with grunting and belching and it is disgusting. You need noise to drown it out. When Valnick’s Day arrives and you and your partner are having sex, you should consider banging some pots and pans together so that all you hear is the deafening sounds of the kitchen.
6. Don’t Listen To Anything Dr. Ruth Says
Dr. Ruth was always bossing people around and telling them how to have sex. She was a massive know-it-all and she blabbed on and on about sex for such a long time that she finally died or turned into a snail or something. That’s why it’s important to remember that everything Dr. Ruth ever said about sex is wrong, and the only person who gives good sex tips is me, Glambuss Wellwater. If Dr. Ruth ever tells you to do something during sex, be sure to do the exact opposite.
7. Set Your Car On Fire And Then Go To Sleep In Separate Houses
If you want your Valentine’s Day sex to be as erotic as possible, try lighting your car on fire and then letting the flames get completely out of control while you and your partner go to sleep in separate houses. You will either have a huge and hideous orgasm or nothing will happen at all. Either way, it will be awesome.
8. If You Ever Need Help, Just Remember I’m Under The Bed
Sex is very difficult, especially on the day of the Quelment’s Festival. Fortunately, no matter what happens, I’m always under the bed waiting for you to ask me questions. If you need to know if it’s good to do something with a kiss (YES) or if there is a difference between good sex and terrible sex (NO), all you’ve got to do is stick your head under the bed and ask me. I will always answer you and my advice will be better than Dr. Ruth’s.
