Good afternoon everyone, television’s Oprah Winfrey here! How are my peeps doing this morning? Hope everyone is down for a little confession today. Normally when I put pen to paper it’s because I want to tell everyone about a great new book I’ve read or some shit like that, but today I’ve got something more personal to share: Even though I’ve had a tongue for most of my life, I’ve never gotten fully used to the feeling of having it in my mouth. It just feels fucked up! I am constantly aware of it being in there and I can’t help but think that my mouth would feel way more normal if it were just empty.
I can’t be the only one like this, can I??? I brought this up to Stedman the other day, and he had no idea what I was talking about. He said his tongue feels right at home in his mouth. Must be nice! I explained to him that, for me, it’s always been like having a pebble in my shoe. My tongue can feel my teeth, my teeth can feel my tongue, and neither one is happy about it. I asked Dr. Oz if it would be possible to shrink my tongue down just a little bit so there would be a small “air barrier” between my tongue and my teeth and everything wouldn’t feel so jammed together in there, and he said, “Yeah.” So I’m hopeful he can figure something out. Now we wait lol.
We all know I have a lot of money, but apparently there are some things money can’t buy. Like feeling less weird about having a tongue. And trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve been hypnotized into believing my tongue is there to help, not hurt. I’ve done tongue-focused physical therapy. I’ve even tried injecting my tongue with novocaine so I couldn’t feel it. But that just made it feel like I had a dead person’s tongue in my mouth. That’s why I retired from doing my show. It was creeping me out, plus I sounded like Jabba the Hutt when I talked. It just sucked.
I remember when I was a young Oprah thinking that someday I’d get used to having a tongue filling up my whole damn mouth. My childhood was very troubled in many ways, but the most troubling part was having a tongue. I wrote a poem when I was 14 called “CURSE OF THE TONGUE” that actually won an award for Best Tongue Poem. I will close with that poem, which is still as relevant today as when I wrote it.
CURSE OF THE TONGUE
by Oprah Winfrey, Television Host
Cursed again.
This pink mistake.
Held inside the prison of my teeth.
Mostly by tendons.
But partially by my own shame.
Relief will never come.
As my tongue relaxes it gathers in the socket where it hides.
Waiting to uncurl when it encounters a snack.
Like a venomous snake.
Tasting itself.
Licking itself.
Poisoning itself.
I.
Will.
Never.
Be.
Free.
Those words describe my feelings about having a tongue today just as accurately as they did when I first wrote them many decades ago. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to lay here and try to normalize the feeling of this pulsating oval of meat that’s constantly inside my head.
