The Queer Eye crew has made over some pretty hopeless cases throughout the course of the show, but its next season will far and away be the tallest mountain it’s ever had to summit: Netflix just announced that every episode of the new Queer Eye season will be dedicated to making over one really, really gross hermit they found fucking a dead turtle in the woods.
OMG. The Fab Five totally have their work cut out for them this time around!
Coming June 15, the new batch of Queer Eye episodes promises to deliver the same transformative storylines fans know and love, except instead of helping someone new each week, the boys will spend an entire month on one filthy hermit named only Forest Ed, who is sexually fixated on a turtle corpse and speaks only in quotes from the movie Homeward Bound. After 13 hour-long episodes, straight guy Forest Ed will emerge from the Atlanta backwoods and debut his new look behind a local Chipotle, where the employees who routinely chase him from rooting through the dumpster by throwing stones at him and yelling, “Be gone, turtle fucker!” will hopefully be totally wowed by his new look.
“When fans first meet Forest Ed, they really won’t be sure whether they are looking at a person dry-humping a turtle or just a vibrating pile of dirty hair,” the announcement teased. “But Jonathan, Tan, Karamo, Antoni, and Bobby truly pull off something incredible by transforming this turtle necrophiliac who moans longingly whenever he leaves the woods into someone who could more or less pass as a human man.”
So. Awesome. With a rancid sexual-deviant nomad thrown into the mix, it sounds like this season of Queer Eye is going to be better than ever. Luckily, there’s only a few more weeks before the new season officially drops—we can’t wait to see if the Fab Five can get him to pry that desiccated turtle husk off his genitals!
