It’s a rare thing to see an organization acknowledge findings at odds with their own agenda, but a leading group of dentists just gave us a refreshingly frank perspective on the pros and cons of enthusiastic oral hygiene: The American Dental Association has confirmed that the benefits of brushing your teeth at the office don’t outweigh the social repercussions.
Hey, we appreciate them being upfront about it!
After a comprehensive meta-analysis of research on the subject, the American Dental Association put out a statement today explaining that while brushing your teeth at the office confers substantial advantages to the health of the teeth and gums, the stigma of being your office’s resident “toothbrush freak” is nevertheless severe enough to make such behavior a net negative on overall wellbeing. The statement unflinchingly lays out how coworkers will whisper behind your back about the spent tubes of Crest Complete Whitening Plus Scope slowly piling up in your cubicle’s waste bin, with office friendships deteriorating under the strain of people fearing that you might bust out the toothbrush at any moment and flick minty spittle all over them if they linger too long in your presence. While ducking out of meetings for a quick post-lunch brush does help reduce plaque buildup and prevent cavities, the ADA contends, the ensuing reputational damage would make even the brightest smile a deeply pyrrhic victory.
“As dentists, we’re always trying to get people to brush their teeth more often, so when we tell you that doing it at work just isn’t worth it, you should understand that it will irreversibly torpedo your professional relationships in a way even we can’t justify,” said ADA president George Shepley, adding that brushing at work “just isn’t a thing that sane people do” and that “if your breath smells bad, you should just chew some gum like a normal person.” “We’ll be straight with you, there’s really just no good way to do it. At your desk is awkward because where are you gonna spit, right? You might think the bathroom would be okay, but you putting stuff in your mouth while a coworker sprays feces five feet away is some sicko shit you’d never live down. Kitchen’s right out too, because no one wants to see you hocking frothy blue-white loogies in the sink while they’re trying to eat a sandwich. We wish we had better news, we really do. But we don’t, and it’s not worth brushing that coffee taste out of your mouth if it’s gonna earn you an office-wide reputation as one of the weird coworkers.”
That’s an admirable level of candor for an organization that has every reason to want you to brush your teeth.
A lesser dental advocacy group might have been willing to overlook cultural norms in their single-minded pursuit of a cavity-free society, but the ADA has the wisdom to know that the office favorite with a good reputation and some gunk in their teeth is better off than the office pariah with a glistening grin and no friends to show it. The telltale white splotches of errant toothpaste spit on one’s shirt might as well be a big scarlet F for FREAK OF THE TOOTHBRUSHING VARIETY, so kudos to the ADA for coming clean with Americans that dental hygiene has to occasionally take a back seat to not behaving like a deranged little weirdo!
