Well, that was a close call.
According to his representatives, Harrison Ford is stable and recovering in the hospital after eating an extremely spicy chili pepper. The Star Wars actor was dining in an upscale French restaurant when he stole a large red pepper off a passing tray and gulped it down whole, causing his head to explode into a fiery mushroom cloud.
Although it is unclear why Ford wanted to eat the pepper, we do know that it took several seconds for him to realize how hot it was. At first, he simply smacked his lips in satisfaction, not realizing that a red thermometer line was slowly creeping up his body from his feet toward his head accompanied by the sound of a rising slide whistle. Then, Ford shrieked like a boiling teapot, and he belched a jet of fire out of his mouth that struck the restaurant’s snooty maître d’ and incinerated the poor bystander into a pile of ash with a pair of blinking eyeballs.
With increasing panic, Ford ran onto the wall and traveled around the room in circles, his footprints leaving a trail of fire behind him, and leapt through a closed window to try to extinguish his blazing head in the cool water of a horse trough outside the building. Unfortunately, the water instantly evaporated into steam as he plunged his head in, providing no relief whatsoever.
Witnesses said that at this point, Ford mistook an open barrel of turpentine for water and dived inside, a decision that only exacerbated the situation because the fluid caused his entire body to burst into flames. Ford then howled like an angry bobcat and a plume of fire blasted out of his buttocks, propelling the A-lister into outer space. Seconds after leaving orbit, Ford collided with Saturn’s rings, causing them to quickly spin around the planet. The Hollywood legend then proceeded to bounce off into an asteroid field, rapidly ricocheting from asteroid to asteroid, making them all light up and ring like pinball machine bumpers.
Eventually, Ford plummeted down to Earth as a glowing white comet, landing in Antarctica and melting the entire continent’s ice cap with a loud hiss. As the ice melted, it revealed a beautiful beach with palm trees and tiki huts, and all the penguins took advantage of their new tropical paradise by donning Hawaiian swim trunks and going surfing.
Rescue workers eventually found Ford at the bottom of a man-shaped hole in the center of a mile-wide impact crater. After they aided him in climbing out, onlookers said that the Blade Runner star looked frazzled, but that he managed to hold up a tiny white sign saying “Help,” signaling that he was still conscious.
A tweet from Ford’s son confirmed that the actor avoided serious injury and is on the mend:
Here’s wishing you a speedy recovery, Harrison! Get well soon.
