Well, this could have been really bad.
According to his publicist, Harrison Ford was involved in a skydiving accident earlier today when he jumped out of an airplane with a backpack that turned out to contain a large steel ship’s anchor instead of a parachute. The alarmed Star Wars actor responded by frantically tugging his ripcord several times in hopes that a parachute was still hidden in the bag somewhere, but was only able to release a tractor, a 500-pound barbell, and a full-grown elephant.
Witnesses say that a terrified Ford continued his plunge to the ground and smashed through a flock of ducks, which made a noise that sounded like bowling pins getting scattered. The incident reportedly left Ford covered in enough feathers that he could flap his arms as functional wings. The relieved and delighted actor used his newfound ability of flight to soar through the sky in elegant figure eights.
Unfortunately, Ford then flew into a thundercloud and was struck by a lightning bolt. The electricity temporarily made his skeleton visible and charred all the feathers into ash. He only had time to glance at each of his featherless arms, look down, look back up, look down again, look back up, gulp nervously, and wave goodbye before gravity took effect and caused him to plummet earthward at even greater speeds than before. The movie star was helpless to stop his fall, unable to do anything besides pull out a giant scroll labeled “Last Will & Testament” and start filling it out with a fountain pen.
Through a stroke of luck, the Hollywood legend landed directly on a telephone wire, which bent beneath him and gently slowed his fall until he touched the ground without injury. An exuberant Ford bent down and began kissing the earth in gratitude, but then the telephone wire straightened out and catapulted him into the sky again.
Ford’s upward trajectory sent him smashing face-first into the metal underbelly of a jumbo jet with a deafening clang. After Ford peeled off the plane, a single pink, fleshy mound sprouted five inches out of the A-lister’s scalp, his teeth fell out one by one, and then he began falling a third time.
On his way down, the Blade Runner star struck the top of the Empire State Building and began crashing through every floor of the skyscraper, leaving a Harrison Ford–shaped hole through the entire structure. Representatives of the Empire State Building’s management company said that at the time of the accident, floors of the building had been rented out to businesses that included a cactus farm, a mousetrap factory, a piranha aquarium, and a store that only sold glass bottles of sulfuric acid.
Miraculously, after crash-landing in the lobby and narrowly missing a priceless Ming vase on display, a weary and disheveled Ford was able to stumble out of the building on his own two feet. However, upon reaching the sidewalk, he was immediately flattened beneath the ship’s anchor as it finally hit the ground. Ford was then rushed to a nearby hospital in a sentient ambulance with a worried face. Fortunately, the actor’s family announced that he avoided serious harm and should make a full recovery. A tweet from Ford’s son indicates that the star remains in good spirits despite his ordeal.
We’re all rooting for you, Harrison! Get well soon!
