Doctors everywhere are celebrating today thanks to an incredible breakthrough that experts say will reshape the medical world for years to come: Scientists have shrunk Shaq down two feet and renamed him Bert.
This is amazing! Now that Shaq is Bert and smaller, there’s no telling what other amazing new medical developments are around the corner.
The once-in-a-lifetime breakthrough, which experts are already calling “the medical discovery of the century,” was made by researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. These researchers gave a statement to the press this morning confirming their results, accompanied by the man formerly known as Shaquille O’Neal, who is now five feet one inch tall, down from a previous height of seven feet one inch, and whose name is now Bert. The announcement was met by joyful cheers from everyone present as Bert smiled and waved at the jubilant crowd.
According to the scientists, Bert doesn’t like basketball because he thinks it’s “too fast” and the repetitive motion of the ball bouncing up and down during the game makes him nauseous. Bert will be leaving his previous job as an analyst for Inside The NBA, which he used to host with Charles Barkley and Kenny “The Jet” Smith back when Bert was Shaq, but of course he’s Bert now and small and so that’s a no-go. The scientists say that Bert is excited to start his new job working as a fact-checker at the magazine “Better Home And Garden.” The broad consensus in the medical community is that those involved in bringing about this transformation will likely receive the Nobel Prize in Medicine this year.
“Seeing Shaq shrink two feet and become Bert should give hope to any patient struggling with long-term illness or chronic pain,” said United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy. “We thought Shaq would never be Bert, and that he’d always be over seven feet tall, but now he’s Bert and small. It just goes to show that with the right team of doctors working together, anything is possible.”
This is so amazing! With so much tragedy in the world today, it’s a relief to finally get a little bit of good news. Now that Shaq is Bert and small, the world of healthcare has been completely changed forever, and the future is looking bright!
