America’s diplomatic relations in the Middle East are fragile enough as it is, and the U.S. intelligence community just discovered that the situation is may soon become far more precarious: Simpsons creator Matt Groening has defected to Iran and is believed to be helping the Ayatollah draw Bart.
This is absolutely terrifying.
According to recent CIA intelligence reports, Matt Groening renounced his U.S. citizenship earlier this week and booked a one-way flight to Tehran, where he was greeted by Supreme Leader Of Iran Ali Khameini and immediately led to the Ayatollah’s personal office. Sources within the House of Leadership say that Khameini and Groening scheduled an emergency meeting with President Ebrahim Raisi and top Iranian military personnel—and apparently, the pair requested sketch pads, pencils, and canvas prints of still frames from Bart-centric Simpsons episodes such as “Bart Sells His Soul” and “ “Bart Gets Famous,” strongly suggesting that the Department of Homeland Security’s worst fears over Iran’s Bart Simpson capability may come true imminently.
What’s even more cause for alarm is that within just six days of non-stop sketch practice overseen by Groening, new intel reports suggest that despite early struggles with Bart’s head and face proportions, Supreme Leader Khameini and a number of high-ranking Iranian officials are currently producing “pretty passable drawings of Bart exposing his buttocks to the viewer with a mischievous grin on his face, done without any tracing at all, to boot.”
With Groening’s guidance, Khameini’s Bart sketches are said to have progressed to a point that’s necessitated strategic response meetings between President Biden and military officials to determine if U.S. intervention is warranted to prevent the Supreme Leader from being able to draw Bart as well as any Simpsons animation staff member. Sources close to President Biden say he’ll first negotiate with Iran for the extradition of Matt Groening back to the U.S., where Groening will be charged with treason. However, if the Supreme Leader refuses all mediation, Biden will be under pressure to deliver a strong response, whether that means crippling new sanctions, or possibly even military intervention—significantly raising the risk of a nuclear confrontation to secure the U.S.’s position as the only country capable of producing high-level drawings of members of the Simpson family.
Not good…not good at all. Is Matt Groening about to cause World War III?
It’s so, so scary to think that Supreme Leader Khomeini is on his way to mastering the Bart Simpson style guide with the help of the man who designed Bart himself. How the Ayatollah would wield Bart-drawing capabilities remains to be seen, but what we know for certain is that this is an unbelievably dangerous situation that does nothing to help U.S.-Iran relations. We hope that the U.S. government can take action ASAP to mitigate this threat!
