The world just breathed a collective sigh of relief, as it was revealed that one of mankind’s greatest threats isn’t actually much of a threat at all: Researchers have determined that Frankensteins aren’t real.
Phew. Thank God.
Following an exhaustive five-year, $100 million study into the horrible monster’s existence, researchers at Oxford University have conclusively determined that, while Frankensteins are indeed common fixtures in works of fiction and are undeniably very scary, there is no evidence of them existing in the wild or in the laboratories of mad scientists. The researchers utilized a myriad of sophisticated methods to prove that the flat-headed, bolt-necked mongrels are mythical, including looking all over the place for Frankensteins, asking weird-looking people if they were Frankensteins, performing cutting-edge uranium-thorium analysis on thousands of fossil samples for signs of Frankenstein DNA, and testing sewer systems around the world for traces of Frankenstein piss—none of which produced any factual support for the notion that Frankensteins are real and lurking among us.
“We can state with nearly 100 percent certainty that Frankensteins are, in fact, totally fictional,” announced lead researcher Aarna Dahwan, adding that, upon rigorous investigation, most previously documented examples of Frankensteins in the real world turned out to be either Halloween decorations or NBA Hall of Famer Patrick Ewing. “We can all sleep much more soundly knowing that we no longer need to fear being terrorized by these green lumbering menaces.”
“Moving forward, if you ever encounter a towering monster-looking guy who’s limping towards you and moaning with outstretched arms, you can rest assured that this isn’t a Frankenstein and you have nothing to worry about,” she continued.
However, Dahwan went on to note that, while Frankensteins are a myth, her team did uncover definitive proof that wolfmen exist, although they seem to be relatively harmless and do not pose any threat to humanity at this time.
Hey, as long as there aren’t any Frankensteins, we are A-okay!
This is some seriously wonderful news, and we should all take comfort knowing that Frankensteins are imaginary and are in no way a danger to our families and livestock. Kudos to this incredible team of researchers for bettering the world through science!
