The world is a dark and scary place right now, and if you need a break from the endless flood of horrific news stories, here’s a really sweet story that’s guaranteed to make you smile: This couple had loud boring sex and nine months later a stupid little man was born!
Beautiful! This is as heartwarming as it gets.
Steve and Elizabeth Mabridge are a happy young husband and wife from Chicago, and last May they decided to take their pants off and have massively loud sex that was not interesting in any way! They kept their shirts and socks on and they said unremarkable things to each other like, “Yeah baby, this is missionary style for sure.” They screamed and grunted while they had the kind of sex that is less interesting than folding laundry or reading the Wikipedia entry for “Grain.”
Their neighbors across the street could hear it all and they weren’t interested in it one way or another!
They belched and bellowed during their love making, but their mattress creaked and groaned like a 30-piece brass band. They had sex in just one position and neither of them enjoyed it that much. But despite their sex being very loud and boring, something wonderful happened: Nine months later, Elizabeth gave birth to a little wet man who is so stupid that he can’t even drive or feed himself!
The stupid little man is named Desmond, and he is hideous and he screams and weeps at all hours of the day and night! He shits and pisses wherever he pleases, and Steve and Elizabeth have to clean him up every time. This absolute dunce has a brain so tiny that he just grabs whatever objects are near him and puts them right in his mouth, even if it’s poison. He’s the size of a football and he doesn’t even know how to make spaghetti or burp without help! How beautiful is it that this bozo arrived into the world just nine short months after Steve and Elizabeth decided to fuck each other in a way that can only be described as “beige”?
Uh, we’re not crying, you’re crying!
Who would have thought that such loud, boring sex could create such a tiny, stupid guy? If you’re not standing up and applauding right now, you officially have no heart. Congratulations to Steve and Elizabeth on their deafening and unremarkable lovemaking, and congratulations to little Desmond for being a slimy dumbass who fits in a little box! It’s so wonderful that even during the darkest times, people find a way to keep their neighbors up all night while they flail around and scream in dull ways in order to fill the world with more stupid little men. Faith in humanity restored!
