Friends, family, come and gather ‘round! We’ve received word that something marvelous has transpired, something that shall soothe the masses in these troubled times and warm the cockles of every beating heart. Surely you will recall the momentous day two summers’ past when a babbling girl-child delighted mankind by employing her clumsy baby faculties to obtain a very large and formidable sword. It was an unfathomable feat, one that could certainly never be equaled—let alone surpassed—for as long as the sun held its glow. Yet miracles do happen, and today billions across the world shall unite in a collective yowl of disbelief at the truly miraculous news that the baby with a sword has now acquired a Bible!
Spectacular! Such a grand achievement for such a small baby!
Yes, one can hardly believe it, but the baby with the sword now has her very own King James Bible. No one knows how she was able to get her chubby, darling fingers on a Bible so large, and, eluded yet by the gift of speech, her great secret will not be divulged. But all will nonetheless be gladdened by the simple knowledge that she has indeed secured possession of a real leatherbound Bible, which she is now slapping about with her wee, grubby hands, oblivious to its holy contents. She is cooing merrily as she gladhands God’s Word!
Huzzah! She is illiterate but is enjoying the book nonetheless!
Heartening, is it not? She has her sword in one hand and her Bible in another, and she is wielding both maniacally! These objects were not designed for someone of such pitiful size!
Thank you to God, our Great Provider, for creating this extraordinary baby. And thank you, baby, for somehow acquiring a gigantic King James Bible and waving it precariously over your head, the sight of which is a greatly needed salve in a world upended by disease and strife. It is truly a blessing unto us all!