Get ready for the most aggravating story you’re going to hear all day, because a group of children in Bethesda, Maryland have just made the biggest mistake of their young lives: These kids managed to contact Abraham Lincoln with a ouija board but spent the whole time asking him to describe his “perfect Sunday.”
God, what a waste of an incredible opportunity.
Last night while playing with a ouija board during a slumber party, the six teenage girls attending Ariana Collymore’s 14th birthday celebration made contact with the spirit of Abraham Lincoln. Rather than ask the nation’s 16th president for words of wisdom or historical accounts of life during the Civil War, the teens immediately began asking Lincoln’s spirit questions about his ideal day off of work. We could have learned what President Lincoln had to say about our nation’s current political strife, or his thoughts on the war between Russia and Ukraine. Instead, we now know that his ideal Sunday consists of “waving hello to Mary Todd” and “smiling at the flag.”
The only redeeming moment during the botched séance was when Ariana’s friend Samantha tried to ask President Lincoln’s spirit if he had “enjoyed the Civil War,” which was a question that at least had some historical value. Unfortunately, once Lincoln’s ghost had used the ouija board to answer, “Yes,” Ariana immediately derailed the conversation again by asking if President Lincoln had a “dream car.” Lincoln’s ghost responded “M-A-Z-D-A M-A-Z-D-A M-A-Z-D-A” while causing the furniture to shake and fly around the room.
Other questions of dubious historical value that the girls asked President Lincoln included, “Who is your best friend in Heaven?” (to which Lincoln answered “C-H-A-R-L-E-S M-A-N-S-O-N”) and, “Why did you wear that hat all the time?” (to which Lincoln answered “I H-I-D B-I-R-D U-N-D-E-R-N-E-A-T-H”). After this last question, Lincoln’s ghost used the ouija board to say, “G-O-O-D-B-Y-E F-O-R-E-V-E-R” before permanently severing his psychic link to the realm of the living.
Honestly, this is just embarrassing for these kids. They had a once-in-a-lifetime chance to talk to one of the most significant figures in American history and they totally blew it. We now know a bunch of useless information about Abraham Lincoln’s perfect Sunday and few personal tidbits about his fondness for Mazdas, but have no greater insight into the man himself. What a shame.
