Hey. I have to speak very quietly, because I…I think Kermit is here. In my house. Right now. Yes. Kermit the Frog. I don’t know what he wants, but I’m almost sure of it: He’s here, and he’s Kermit. Here are four reasons I suspect Kermit’s somewhere in my home, right at this very moment.
1. I heard Kermit’s voice upstairs.
I’ve been all alone at home tonight, just reading a book, enjoying the quiet. No one here but me. But a few minutes ago, I heard singing upstairs. “I got in the house…I am in the house…It is now my house…” This voice sounded exactly like Kermit the Frog. Exactly like him. I shouted, “Who’s there?” The voice did not respond. It just kept singing. But then, I shouted, “…Kermit the Frog?” and immediately, the voice stopped, and I heard fast, light footsteps, and a door slam. Either a stranger who sounds exactly like Kermit the Frog has broken into my house, or Kermit the Frog is a real, sentient being, and he has broken into my house. I don’t know which situation would be preferable.
2. Miss Piggy is standing stock still in my front yard right now.
It’s her. Miss Piggy. She’s here. I’m looking out my living room window as I speak, and there she is. Standing under the oak tree in my yard, just…staring. Directly at my home. And breathing sort of heavily. I cannot think of a single reason Miss Piggy would be in my yard unless she knew Kermit was inside my house. If I know anything about Kermit, it’s that wherever he is, Miss Piggy wants to be there too. She wants him. I mean, first I hear a Kermit-like voice upstairs, then Miss Piggy’s in my yard…I’m just putting two and two together. I think Kermit’s very close to me right now. I really do.
3. My neighbor just called to give me a heads up about “some sorta green, singing raccoon crawling around on [my] roof.”
Green, check…size of a raccoon, check…sounds like Kermit, yeah? And look, as far as I know Kermit doesn’t crawl around on all fours—he’s not like that, he’s more of, like, a guy—but I get a call like this right after hearing a Kermit voice upstairs and seeing Miss Piggy in my yard? What am I supposed to think, this is all a coincidence? No way. Everything in my body is telling me Kermit’s here. I don’t know what room he’s in now, but he’s here. I’m going to be okay, right? Right?
4. I found a shed exoskeleton shaped like Kermit’s body hanging halfway through the dog door in my kitchen.
Wasn’t me, my family, or my dog who shed that thing. Nope. It’s like a beige, deflated Kermit the Frog balloon. And it’s warm. This thing was shed here, and recently. It’s like he slid out of his old skin halfway through the dog door and kept moving. By all indications Kermit is real, he is molting, and he’s doing it in my house. You ask me? Very, very low odds that it’s somebody else in here. All signs are pointing to Kermit the Frog. Yup, I’m all but convinced Kermit’s currently somewhere within the walls of my home. Don’t know what he wants or why he chose my place, but I’m grabbing a knife just in case.
