There are over 7,500 varieties of apples in the world, and only one Warren Buffett—who, as of this article’s publishing, does not have any apple-related nicknames. But if Warren Buffett had to have an apple-related nickname? Let’s just say we’d have some strong opinions. Here are five types of apples, ranked by how fitting of a nickname they’d make for the billionaire investor.
- Red Delicious
No. Just no. Imagine walking into a Berkshire Hathaway shareholder meeting, approaching Warren Buffett, and saying, “What’s cooking, Red Delicious?” It simply doesn’t match Warren’s vibe at all. This is a 93-year-old man we’re talking about. “Red Delicious” is a nickname for a buxom woman, or perhaps a plump, sunburned boy—not a spectacled, nonagenarian financier. Until there’s a direct connection between Warren Buffett and Red Delicious apples, calling Warren Buffett “Red Delicious” feels completely wrong. That’s why we’re ranking it dead last on this list.
- Arkansas Black
“Arkansas Black” is way, way too cool for Warren. Look at him. Come on. He’s no Arkansas Black. Also, he’s famously from Omaha. A nickname involving Arkansas would just be confusing. “Arkansas Black” is a badass nickname for a Wild West gunslinger or an adult film star (say, a buxom woman?)—but absolutely not for Warren Buffett. As far as our rankings are concerned, it’s four for “Arkansas Black.”
- Granny Smith
Close, but no cigar. Obviously, referring to Warren Buffett as “Granny”-anything is going to come off more insulting than endearing. However, for some reason, the tart and crisp qualities of a Granny Smith apple read “Warren Buffett” to us. He’s “cute and old,” green apples are “sweet and sour”…that pairing has something going for it. Nonetheless, there’s very little chance “Granny Smith” would ever fly with Warren. “Granny Smith” is at least on the right track, landing it perfectly in the middle of this list.
- Fuji
Hear us out: “Fuji” would be a fairly solid nickname for Warren Buffett, and not just because he looks vaguely Japanese (he does). It’s also short and cute, just like Warren (okay, he’s 5’10”, but if we told you he was 5’5”, you’d probably buy it). Doesn’t Fuji sound like something children could call their grandparents? “We love you, Fuji!” “Thanks for gifting me Coca-Cola stock for Christmas, Fuji!” Mhm, if Warren “Fuji” Buffett is clicking with you, you’re not alone. The one thing preventing “Fuji” from topping our list is that it doesn’t make any sense to call Warren Buffett “Fuji.” Maybe one day he’ll give us a compelling reason to dub him “Fuji Buffett” (fingers crossed!). Until then, it’s a silver medal for “Fuji” in our rankings.
- Golden Delicious
Coming in at number one on our list of apple-related nicknames for Warren Buffett is none other than “Golden Delicious!” Yup, “Golden Delicious Warren” takes all the cons of “Red Delicious Warren” and turns them into pros. Let’s run back that scenario we presented in the first list item: You’re in a Berkshire Hathaway shareholder meeting. There’s Warren Buffett, posted up at the head of the boardroom table, looking old, rich, short, and cute. You approach Warren. You dap him up, and say, “What’s cooking, Golden Delicious?” Feels right, doesn’t it?! The man’s living out his golden years deliciously with a $136.9 billion net worth, contextualizing the “Delicious” element of this nickname in a way that hits this time around (it does). Without a doubt, “Golden Delicious” is the apple-related nickname for Warren, if he ever ends up having one—and that’s why we’re giving it the top spot in our rankings!
