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5 Signs That Your Doctor’s Office Staff Is Gambling On Your Physical

Gambling culture is running rampant in the US, and no space seems to be too sacred for betting—not even healthcare. Here are five signs that could mean the staffers at your doctor’s office have money on your physical’s results.

1. You hear an eruption of cheers from the lobby as the doctor announces that your weight “hit the over” 

Elation on the part of the nurses and medical assistants at your doctor’s office is not a normal reaction to news of changes to your weight—it’s the reaction of a medical staff that’s got money riding on you being heavier than you were at your last physical. Some people are comfortable with people betting on their routine health exams, others are not. If you fall in the latter camp, you may want to find a new doctor.

2. You overhear the receptionist telling someone on the phone, “This patient’s blood pressure has covered the spread on seven of their last eight visits—this is free money”

“Covering the spread” is not a term that’s typically used anywhere outside of betting markets, and especially not by medical professionals. Further, for anyone outside of you and your doctor to have access to information about your blood pressure history, and to use that information for gambling, is likely a HIPAA violation.

3. Your doctor slips you $100 and whispers “there’s more where that came from if I can update your chart to say you’ve started smoking cigarettes socially”

If your doctor is bribing you to lie about your smoking habits, he’s prioritized a bet he’s wagered on updates to your health history over your actual well-being. Any adjustment to your medical chart for the sake of a parlay is a big, big red flag.

4. One of the nurses is weirdly elated and counting a stack of hundreds right after the doctor finds a potentially malignant lump on your thyroid

The only kind of nurse who grins ear-to-ear as they refer you to a local endocrinologist, who will determine whether the lump in your throat is cancerous, is one who just made thousands off the discovery of said lump. If you notice nurses online shopping for expensive luxury items or booking tropical vacations while you process scary health news, it’s all but guaranteed your doctors’ office is part gambling den.

5. As you leave the appointment, a nurse accuses you of being “owned by Vegas” and says you’re the reason their kid won’t be able to afford college before hanging themselves in front of you

Unfortunately, this is a surefire sign that the dark side of gambling has reared its ugly head in your doctors’ office. Your doctors’ office has likely developed a full-blown gambling issue if a staff member loses their child’s college savings (and their life) due to the results of your physical. You’re not to blame for their irresponsible betting habits, but for their sake, you may want to suggest they consult a gambling addiction hotline before booking your next appointment.