Our country’s priorities have gotten seriously out of whack, and nowhere is that dysfunction more egregiously apparent than the pay disparity between two professions: The man who shouts “Thanks!” at the ocean only makes 20% of what the man who shouts “Boo!” at it does.
That right there is everything that’s wrong with this country. Christ, does no one see how fucked up this is?
Every single day, Seth Randall walks down the shore and spends eight hours shouting “Thanks!” at the ocean for the wonderful bounty it provides us, a noble undertaking the bean counters in charge have nevertheless decided only merits a meager $40,000 salary—barely enough for Randall to scrape by. Meanwhile, Marcus Karn spends his workday loudly booing the ocean and telling it to go fuck itself, a job that provides zero value to the world yet somehow nets Karn a cool $200,000 a year. In any sane society those figures would be completely reversed. But in the moral funhouse mirror of modern America, you earn five times as much to flip off the ocean as you do to shoot it a thumbs up, and everyone just accepts that as normal.
The stark contrast in the way our culture treats these men doesn’t stop at their salaries, either. Randall’s job shouting “Much obliged!” at the ocean requires him to spend the majority of the day on his feet, painfully straining his voice to make sure the ocean can hear his praise over the noisy surf. Karn on the other hand gets a chair and bullhorn to leisurely shout “Lakes rule!” at the ocean from as far up the beach as he likes, not to mention three days a week when he can work from home and simply boo the ocean over Zoom. Randall has no dedicated lunch break, dutifully telling the sea “The various crabs and fish have been incredible lately, we appreciate it!” unbroken from dawn to dusk. But Karn gets an hour a day to expense as many lobster rolls and Manhattans as he likes, before shouting “Your waves look idiotic!” and “Too salty!” a few more times and knocking off by mid-afternoon.
It’s a wonder anyone still takes a job yelling “Thanks!” at the ocean at all.
Maybe someday society will wake up and realize that people like Randall are the only ones keeping the ocean from getting discouraged and giving up on its critically important currents and marine ecosystems in despair. God knows Karn calling the ocean a “wet piece of shit” doesn’t add much to society’s overall wellbeing, despite his massive paycheck. But much as we hate to say it, it’s almost easier to picture a world where no one shouts “Thanks!” at the ocean anymore than it is to picture one where the people doing such vital work are finally paid what they’re worth.
Damn, this truly lays bare the rot at the heart of late-stage capitalism. Here’s hoping America realizes the error of its ways before Randall quits and the ocean gets completely depressed!
