Each one of my 15 awful nephews is a mess—stupid boys, as stupid as it gets! It drives me mad! God, I wish my nephews would get their shit together!
1. Benton
ARGH…Benton! My 21-year-old nephew makes me ill! He can’t drive a car, he can’t ride a bike, he can’t even skateboard, so he walks 15 miles to work every day, and calls me halfway through to whine. “I can’t walk any further! I can’t do this anymore! I wish I could train cats from home!” You think I want to hear that every morning? Stuff it, Benton! Worst nephew ever!
2. Ardelio
Ardelio’s problem is his artistic temperament! He can’t even get a job like Benton. All day he collects old soda bottles and all night he turns them into sculptures that look like cats! They’re ugly as sin! And he’s homing in on Benton’s cat thing, too! If you’re going to be a loser, at least let Benton have cats for himself!! He just says “great artists steal” and walks away. No respect!
3. Ron
Little Ron is only seven, and he’s stupid as a rock. First of all, he thinks his name is Don. Can’t tell an R from a D for the life of him! Worse than that, he believes in a god unknown to me, who he says is a tiny man named Geoff who wears a fancy suit. Ron says that Geoff lives in Heaven and provides Ron with the strength he needs to play four-square at recess. What, Ron?! Where’d you get that idea? The stupid factory?
4. Ron-Mary
Obviously, Ron-Mary is Ron’s twin brother, and he has all the same problems as Ron (including, yes, he thinks his name is Don-Mary), and PLUS, he smells like candy corn! Not in a good way!
5. Peter von Samuel
You’d think Peter von Samuel was a perfect little gentleman, wouldn’t you? Well, guess what: He kissed his math teacher on the lips! The lips! He says it was “just a flight of fancy.” What’s that supposed to mean, Peter von Samuel? Now he’s in permanent in-school-suspension. I hate his guts!
6. Morrie, a.k.a The Boy From Hell
Morrie is my worst nephew, at least on a criminal level. Steals, cheats, lies, spits, pees on the street, eats poison berries, frowns at the mayor, the works. The only place I want to see my nephew Morrie is in the back of a paddy wagon. But still, he comes to my house, and he pees there too! ARGH indeed!
7. Yancy B.
Yancy B., Yancy B., the nephew that makes me want to flee! Sorry, I hope you’ll indulge the song I sing about my nephew Yancy when I see him storming up my front porch to bang on my door and beg for cinnamon rolls. He abuses his cinnamon roll privileges! And what’s worse, he’s in school studying Old Norse, a dead language and an obsolete field of study! What the hell are you going to do with your life, Yancy B.?! I love baking cinnamon rolls for my nephews but not when they foreclose their own future by studying such an insipid topic!
8. Leonard
Leonard looks like a 60-year-old man even though he’s 14—that’s problem one. But his other bullshit is the fact that his attitude is CRAP! “I look so old! It’s a curse, it’s a rare disease!” No it isn’t, Leonard, it’s because you’re one of my stupid nephews who suck! Get OVER it!
9. Kostos
Kostos is on his school’s volleyball team but he chokes every game. Anytime things get tense in a match, he forgets about the ball and starts trying to jump over the net. I sat him down for three hours over Easter weekend and tried to explain to him how you’re supposed to play volleyball (do it normal). He stormed out in a huff. Guess how his next tournament went? But they won’t stop playing him because he’s got such a nice smile and such long arms. What a load of garbage.
10. Saturday
I had high hopes for Saturday when he was born! Silly me. Saturday is a fool and a rogue! He never speaks, only shouts, and he barrels around like a bull in a store full of the finest chinas, knocking people down and screaming “MY MISTAKE” as he shoves past. Try taking him to a restaurant—you can expect several injuries and potentially a death. What good is a nephew if you can’t even take him to a restaurant?
11. Melon
Stupid Melon! Why are you constantly humming? Why are you always on the ground, rolling around like your namesake fruit? Why must you refuse to read anything but the stories about tragic drownings they publish in People magazine? Melon, why?!!
12. Christopher
I tried to reform Christopher when he spent a week at my house in summer 2017. I had him wake up at 6:30 on the dot, perform calisthenics, learn calculus, and practice the waltz. What does he do now? Ride his motorcycle around town picking up chicks with tattoos, who he calls his “little bike-ettes.” Christopher, you’ve disappointed me beyond measure!
13. Horky-Gorky
I have a soft spot for Horky-Gorky because of his sweet, rotund face, but I have to admit that he is as down-low and dirty as all the rest of my nephews. Instead of going to school, he sits in a kiddie pool in the backyard and wails. “I’m wailing for the pain of the world,” Horky Gorky tells me. He’ll never survive the recession that way! Buck up, nephew!
14. Fig
Oh, Fig, I wish you’d change! Fig has an addiction to gummy candies, an addiction to amphetamines, and a negative mindset! You’d think he’d be my most successful nephew given that he is a cello prodigy, but he uses his talents only to make enough money to cover his candies and his amphetamines. The rest of his time he spends watching game show clips online. For shame!
15. Tyler
At the end of the day there’s Tyler, a teen who stinks in every manner imaginable. Tyler is a failure at school (bad grades), a failure as a grocery store clerk (too slow), a failure as an assistant choir director (lost States), and a failure as my nephew. If only I had a better nephew to console me, but no! All 15 are poor excuses for kin! Wish me luck as I navigate my life without a nephew to lean on, because I will never have a good one—never!
