If you love science, then get ready to nod quietly to yourself and say, “okie dokie,” because today’s news pretty much makes sense and there’s not much point in making a fuss about it: Scientists have announced that they wish they could give a man a rhino horn, but they’re afraid that the man might get rhino powers.
Sounds fine to us! We’re not about to second guess the experts on this one.
The totally reasonable announcement appeared today in a peer-reviewed paper published in the prestigious scientific journal Nature. The paper was titled, “We Want To But We Can’t: The Forbidden Joys Of Creating A Rhino Man,” and it has already been heralded as one of the most sensible scientific discoveries of the past 50 years.
“Though we desperately yearn to create a human man with the horn of rhinoceros, we dare not bring this miracle into the world due to plausible and deeply grave concerns that this horned man would have rhino powers that would devastate the planet,” reads the study, which was co-authored by a team of over 30 scientists working at leading research universities around the world. “It would be amazing to see a man with a rhino horn walking around and we would love to live with him in a big house by the ocean, but we need to consider the fact that the man could use his rhino horn to knock over liquids or murder people.”
Cool! We didn’t realize this was something scientists were thinking about, but it’s nice of them to loop us in on these findings.
Though most of the mainstream scientific community agrees with the study’s findings that giving a man a rhino horn could unlock a savage, primeval rhino frenzy within him against which humanity would be powerless, there are some fringe scientific thinkers who have protested the study’s publication.
“A man with a rhino horn would not have rhino powers. He would just look wonderful and we could feed him carrots and oats while while he drives us around in his luxury car,” wrote Dr. Devon Seabrook, a professor of genealogy at Princeton University, in an article in Princeton’s research magazine, Discovery. “I am shocked that so many of my colleagues are endorsing these dubious results when it is clear to me that the only way a man could get rhino powers would be if we replaced his human brain with a rhino brain.”
Despite this small handful of dissenting scientists, most researchers have lauded the study, citing the extensive charts and graphs representing the extent to which a rhino horn graft would change a human man’s behavior and demeanor, as well as the scary illustrations of the hypothetical rhino-man shooting lightning out of his horn to destroy a blimp. Many are pointing to the statistical data that seems to suggest that a man with a rhino horn, while charismatic and visually appealing, would likely use his rhino powers to push the wrong-numbered buttons on elevators and foment international conflict by goring various world leaders. It’s safe to say that this landmark study is going to keep the scientific community talking for the foreseeable future!
So, yeah, there you go. Make of this what you will, we guess. We didn’t realize this was such a big deal, but scientists seem pretty adamant about not creating a man with a rhino horn, no matter how much they may want to. All we can say is it sounds good to us, and we’re glad the scientists let us know!
