Consumers are being urged to take note of a major new initiative from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services that just might save their lives: The surgeon general is adding a graphic photo of a guy who got his penis caught in a zipper to the front of every pair of pants.
This is an awesome move! It’s a great way to highlight the risks that zipping up your pants can pose to the health of your penis.
“Years of scientific studies from some of our finest research institutions are overwhelmingly conclusive: people who wear pants are more likely to get their penis caught in a zipper than people who walk around naked,” said Surgeon General Denise Hinton in a press conference at the White House this morning. “Penis safety is one of this nation’s top priorities, and these warnings will help ensure that American penises stay strong and vibrant for generations to come.”
We feel safer and healthier already! It’s so comforting to know that America cares so much about the health and safety of its citizens.
The new warnings are set to go into effect early next month, and are designed to raise awareness among American consumers about the damage even the most innocuous-looking pair of pants can do to a healthy American penis. The warnings will feature a picture of a man screaming in agony as the teeth of a zipper decimates his penis while his devastated family looks on and weeps. A message beneath the picture reads, “Warning: Zipping up pants can guillotine your penis completely.” Now anyone who purchases pants can do so in an informed manner, fully aware that their genitals might get jigsawed up in the process.
During the press conference, Surgeon General Hinton also noted that these graphic warning labels are just one facet of a multi-pronged initiative to keep American penises going strong in the 21st century. Her office will also be offering free whistles at all clothing outlets that consumers can blow for help in the tragic event that their penis gets caught in their pants zipper. She explained that if any pants-wearer gets their penis caught in their pants zipper, they can blow their whistle and a firefighter will rush over and give them the Heimlich maneuver.
Absolutely amazing! It really seems like we’re entering into a whole new era of penis safety. Kudos to the surgeon general for rolling out this initiative and keeping everyone safe. Here’s hoping penis injuries become a thing of the past sooner rather than later!
