When Satan tempted Eve into eating the Forbidden Fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, resulting in her and Adam’s banishment from the Garden of Eden, it was a game-changing sin. No one’s denying that. But, judging by how often he’s resorted to the Fruit Move since then, at least in my experience, it’s pretty clear the King Of Hell is a one-trick pony. Here are 5 different times Satan tried tempting me to sin with just an apple.
- The time Satan used an apple to try to tempt me into committing adultery with a blood relative
My last Christmas was almost ruined by Satan’s really poor attempt to get me to have an affair with my own aunt. I was using the bathroom when the Devil, in the form of a serpent, suddenly appeared on a towel rack, and began whispering about how I ought to have an affair with my 73 year-old aunt. Obviously, I said, “absolutely not.” That’s when Satan shot me a knowing grin and said, “Ah, but what if there were a reward in it for you, say…an apple?” You could tell he genuinely thought this was a sly move, as if offering an apple was a trump card. At first, I was confused. I asked him if it was some sort of ‘special’ apple, or whatever, but all he said was that it tasted “very nice.” After a long, baffled pause, I said no again. He said, “Are you sure?” I just shook my head and went back to the party. Not that anything would tempt me to ruin my life by having sex with a much older relative…you’d just really think Satan could do better than an apple. I mean, he’s the Devil.
- The time Satan used an apple to try to tempt me into murdering my whole family
I can respect that Satan caused the Fall of Man using just an apple, like, that was huge for him, I get it, but I truly think he took the wrong lesson away from that success. A few months back, I woke up to find an apple on my nightstand. It was a normal looking apple. I figured my wife might’ve left it for me, until Satan appeared on my dresser (in the form of a snake, yet again, clearly another crutch for him) and hissed, “That apple could be yours…for a price: the blood of your beloved and your children—kill them in my name, and you may taste an apple’s sweetness!” Again, I asked the Devil if it was a special apple or something. He shook his head no, still grinning all sinister-like, clearly convinced I was about to fall into this half-assed ‘trap.’ I just threw the apple in a wastebasket and left for work.
- The time Satan used an apple to tempt me into saying the Lord’s name in vain (successfully)
For context, I was stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic after a long, frustrating week at the office, and I’d skipped lunch that particular day. I was in a vulnerable state, which, to Satan’s credit, is a good time to trick someone into doing something, ‘cause sure enough, he popped up on my dashboard (yup, in snake form, which is not even mildly startling at this point, not even while driving). Before he could get a word in, I told him, “I want the apple, what’s your offer?” He smirked and hissed, “Take God’s name in vain” as if that was a mic drop sin or something. Without hesitation, I said, “God is crap.” Boom. Satan laughed and disappeared in a cloud of smoke, and an apple appeared in his place on my dashboard. It tasted like a normal apple. Nothing to write home about. If Satan wants to call that a successful temptation, good for him. I don’t care. I was starving, and I’m not even religious.
- The time Satan used an apple to try to tempt me into stealing an Amazon delivery truck, dishonoring my father, and skipping church all at once? It was a really confusing sin…
This was far and away Satan’s worst try at tempting me to sin yet. I was doing yard work on a Sunday morning when a snake (guess who…yeah) slithered out of my hydrangea bushes and right up to me. I gave him a quick smile and tried to ignore him as he went on about this ridiculously overcomplicated sin he wanted me to commit. Something about crashing an Amazon delivery truck into a church and blaming it on my dad? I still don’t understand it. I guess his big evil plan was for me to break multiple commandments at once? Not sure. Don’t care. But yeah, as temptation, he offered up an apple, his go-to move, of course. I just ignored him until he eventually slithered into a neighbor’s yard to try it on them. (UPDATE: My neighbor actually gave into this temptation, for an apple…he’s now facing 30 years in prison. I guess I wrote off the Devil’s apple gambit too soon).
- The time Satan used an apple to try to tempt me into coveting a coworker’s apple
It’s unreasonable to expect Satan to hit every temptation out of the park. He got incredibly lucky early on in the history of mankind, and has been trying to recapture that high for thousands of years ever since. He peaked. Tale as old as time. But the day he popped up in my cubicle, draping his snake body around a succulent, and tried to get me to envy a coworker’s apple (???) was just more proof that one of the greatest tempters to ever do it is now past his prime. “Doesn’t your coworker’s apple look nice?” the Devil hissed. “Certainly nicer than this extremely old apple…which could be yours if only you allow your heart to be corrupted by jealousy!” I honestly felt bad that this was the best he could do. I politely declined. “Sorry, not interested.” Instead of getting angry, Satan just seemed bummed out, and slowly faded out of sight. It was pretty sad to watch, I won’t lie. But, until the King of Hell develops some fresh tricks, and stops leaning on apples so much, I don’t think I’ll be tempted by him anytime soon.
