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Passing The Torch: Bruno Mars Has Taken Over For Michael Jackson As The Singer Who Exclusively Befriends Children And Looks Incredibly Sick

If you love pop music, get ready for the most exciting news you’ll read all day, because one of today’s biggest stars is upholding the legacy of a pop icon in an amazing way: Bruno Mars has taken over for Michael Jackson as the singer who exclusively befriends children and looks incredibly sick. 

What a beautiful moment in music history! If anyone should have a social circle of prepubescent kids and seem physically unwell all the time like Michael Jackson, it’s Bruno Mars!

At a press conference held this morning, Bruno Mars appeared alongside an entourage of 12-year-olds to announce in a soft, effeminate voice that his new gaunt, pallid look and youthful friend group represent the legacy of the late Michael Jackson, which Mars has inherited with full approval from the Jackson estate. From now on, Bruno’s rebranded public image will be defined by his flying numerous children out across the country to go to amusement parks with him even though the only contact they’ve had is through fan mail, as well as choice to resemble a withered hospice care patient who someone keeps putting very expensive clothes on—a role that’s been left totally vacant by pop singers since the King of Pop’s passing in 2009. 

“The world will always have Michael Jackson’s music, but when he died, we lost a cultural treasure in terms of having a massively popular singer who looks like a geisha, appears unable to eat solid foods, and only feels comfortable socializing with middle school-aged children—until now,” explained a soft-spoken Bruno Mars, who then whispered some sort of inside joke to one of the 12-year-olds that made them both giggle. 

“I’m so honored to be this generation’s pale, visibly unwell singer whose stunted emotional development only allows them to bond with children. Michael Jackson left behind big shoes to fill, and with the support of my fans, I intend to do my best to be even sicker-looking and make best friends with even younger children. I’m having so much fun already!” continued Bruno, before weakly waving to the press like an effeminate mummy and then sharing a big cotton candy with a small caucasian boy dressed exactly like him. 

So cool!

It’s absolutely heartwarming to see Bruno Mars succeed Michael Jackson as the most iconic terminally ill, child-befriending, pop genius in the world. We’ll never have Michael Jackson in our lives again, but his legacy is living on in the coolest possible way. Congratulations and have fun, Bruno!