We all tend to assume that celebrities’ lives are easy and stress-free, but here’s proof that being a beautiful, wealthy movie star isn’t all it’s cracked up to be: Natalie Portman is getting so frustrated trying to find a hookup by DMing strangers on Instagram from an account called “NatalieProtman_I_DateU” that her English is getting more and more broken with every attempt.
Oh no! Poor Natalie Portman!
For several months, Natalie has been desperately trying to get a man to hook up with her or at least exchange a few sexts over Instagram DMs from her luxurious Paris abode, but unfortunately, she seems to have had zero luck. She created an account with username that makes it abundantly clear that she is looking for love, and even went through the trouble of making the “NatalieProtman_I_DateU” page more appealing by following 2,934 top stars and influencers and populating her grid with 13 beautiful, low-resolution photos of herself that were all posted within six minutes of one another. But despite DMing over 400 unattractive men with double-digit follower counts who mostly post about their solo trips to T&A restaurant chains like Hooters and Twin Peaks, so far she hasn’t landed a single hookup.
As Natalie’s frustration and uncontrollable horniness have grown, her messages to the strange men are becoming more and more blunt and more and more poorly spelled. “Hi to you, Mr. Handsorme!” reads one message she sent to an unemployed truck driver with the username “Fordboy_1956.” “I couldm’t help But nomtice you;re sweet profile, and woner about youy! Can we Cha,t?”
But after lying on the floor of her 1,100 square foot bathroom for hours on end, repeatedly checking her DMs with tears of horniness in her eyes, she still has yet to hear back from any of the 620 men she’s hit up for some action in the past week alone, outside of a few replies saying simply, “BLOCKED!” or, “YEAH, RIGHT!”
“I don’t know what I doing wrong!” a frustrated, lingerie-clad Natalie screamed into the $6,000 pillow on her Alaskan king sized bed, which she’s prepped with a variety of sex lotions and toys. “I beautiful for you, I star big movie, and I simple need small Amazon giftcard $25 for prove idendity before date mylove!”
This is so sad. How could a woman as beautiful and desirable as Natalie Portman not be able to land a single date on Instagram?
As Natalie has become more and more vexed by her desire, the once-refined actress has been reduced to nothing more than a desperate, typo-spewing internet horndog. She’s now up to 63 different Instagram accounts and counting, including “Natly_Prootman_REAL,” “Im_PORTMAN,” and “Naltaly_Pormann_Sexual,” and so far still no bites. This is so painful to watch. We’re sorry this is happening to you, Natalie.
