Body language is an incredibly important but frequently overlooked aspect of human interaction, and it can play a huge role in how you are perceived by others. Unfortunately, body language experts recently admitted that they simply can’t provide us with any answers as to where we should be looking when talking to other people: They’ve issued a new report claiming that making eye contact and not making eye contact are both equally awkward.
Wow. This is not helpful at all!
Behind the new assertion is a report by a panel of body language experts assembled by Brown University, who analyzed thousands of social interactions during which study participants made varying amounts of eye contact with their conversation partners. The analysis determined that while failing to make eye contact makes you appear like a disinterested, ashamed weirdo who’s probably too busy lost in thought about sick sexual fantasies to be engaged in conversation, making direct eye makes you seem like a coked-up vampire who’s trying to suck the life out of everyone around you through your eyes. Evolutionary biologists have long theorized that humans evolved expressive eyes in order to communicate visually prior to the development of language, but this study suggests that your eyes are only capable of communicating one of two things: either that you are a psychopath who derives sick satisfaction from invading others’ psyches with your gaze, or that you are a sad, pathetic worm who has no business showing your face in public, let alone attempting to speak to other human beings.
“If you’ve ever felt unsure of where you should be looking during a conversation because all options feel equally awkward, that’s because they are,” said panel head Jerome Kennedy. “Our research has shown that you can look someone right in the eyes, look at the tip of their nose, look over their shoulder at a picture on the wall behind them, look down at your feet, or keep your eyes closed, but no matter what, that interaction is going to feel somehow wrong. Maybe if there were some way to remove eyes from the equation altogether we could give some guidance on how to have a personal interaction that isn’t painful and confusing, but the best advice we’ve got right now is to stick to email or FaceTime audio.”
Well, all we can say is thanks for nothing, experts. Guess we’ll just have to continue looking total strangers directly in the eyes when saying “thank you” at the gas station but refusing to make eye contact with the people we have sex with, just like we always have. Keep swirling your eyes around and trying different things when talking to people, we guess, as no matter what you do with your eyes, science says it’s going to feel like shit.
