When you’ve gone to church lately, have you noticed more references to shaving than usual? Here are 18 signs that could mean your priest is sponsored by Gillette.
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Your priest explains that the Holy Trinity is the unity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in the same exact way that Gillette’s Mach3 design combines three blades in one razor
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The front pews are always roped off and reserved for “Gillette Executive Board Members”
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Your priest gives a bottle of shaving cream to any kid who picks “Gillette” as a confirmation name
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Your church’s Christmas pageant has a scene where Jesus shaves his legs immediately after being born
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During confession, your priest tells you that adultery technically isn’t a sin if you shaved your pubic hair with Gillette products beforehand
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Your priest announces that from now on, to pray the Rosary, you say “The Best A Man Can Get ™” 500 times and then make the Sign Of The Cross
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Your church’s Christmas pageant also has a scene where Mary and Joseph agree to legally name the child Jesus, but exclusively refer to him by the nickname “SkinGuard (1 Handle + 4 Blade Refills) Free Shipping”
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Your priest delivers a whole homily about how even though the Holy Spirit is intangible, it still needs to shave most mornings just like mortal guys do
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Your priest shaves babies during their baptisms because he claims Gillette’s ProGlide technology helps cleanse them of 50% more original sin
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Your priest mentions an extra Station Of The Cross where Mary Magdalene ties a Gillette beard trimmer to the end of a long stick and gives Jesus a goatee just before he dies on the cross
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Your priest has sometimes ended mass by suddenly muttering “oh, also, one time, Jesus cured a guy of razor burn…and it was his most profound miracle,” like he’d clearly forgotten to plug shaving stuff until the last second, and then the business guys in the front row flash him a thumbs up and immediately leave
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Your priest wears Gillette-branded beanies, hoodies, and sweatpants instead of traditional clergy vestments and serves Holy Wine from a Gillette-branded thermos during mass
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Your priest organizes a mission trip to shave underprivileged communities abroad
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Your church’s Christmas pageant also features a long, silent scene where all Three Wise Men shave one another in front of Mary and Joseph, who are also shaving each other, while Jesus and a lamb feed on all the discarded hair
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Your priest claims that Judas Iscariot felt so much remorse over betraying Jesus that he killed himself using Gillette razors, specifically
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Your priest claims he contractually isn’t allowed to lead your grandfather’s funeral mass because your grandfather used Schick brand razors
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The Nativity scene outside your church is just a bunch of hay and a single bottle of after-shave
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Hanging above the altar, your church has a statue of a clean-shaved Jesus nailed to two gigantic, disposable razors instead of a wooden crucifix
