There are four types of hats in the world. You probably know the first three: baseball hats, football helmets, and werewolf masks. But did you know that there is another kind of hat that only daddies can wear? This hat is called a wig, and it is a wonderful kind of hat for Daddy! Let’s learn about wigs!
This is a wig. Say, “Hello, wig!”
When babies are born, daddies lose their hair. When daddies lose their hair, it is called “photosynthesis.”
When Daddy has no hair, then it is time for him to wear a wig. A wig is a hat that looks like hair. Daddy likes to pretend to have hair so that all the beautiful can-can dancers in Paris will see him and say, “Ooo la la!”
Daddies buy their wigs from a type of store called Old Navy.
Wigs are made from the fur of an animal called a jaguar. Jaguar fur looks like a person’s hair! It takes 12 jaguars to make one wig, which is why when someone wears a wig, it is often said that he is “sporting a Jaguar’s Dozen.”
Daddy will wear his wig all over town! He will wear it to the pharmacy and he will wear it to his job. People will say, “I thought that you were bald!” and Daddy will say, “Someone has lied to you! As you can see, my head is fertile and sprouting crops!” That is the power of Daddy’s good hat! A wig is a hat that helps Daddy look cool at the pharmacy!
Sometimes Daddy will stuff his wig into the sink drain to stop centipedes from crawling up out of it. It’s a good thing that Daddy has his wig to protect the house from bugs!
When you go to sleep, Daddy goes into the kitchen and puts his wig on the ground, and he stares at his wig for hours to see if it moves. If the wig moves, then Daddy will SCREAM and hit it with a rake until it stops! This is called having a “Living Wig,” and it happens to daddies all the time! Many times a year, Daddy sees his wig move and must hit it with a rake until it goes to sleep. Silly Daddy!
But what happens to Daddy’s real hair when it falls out of his head? That’s easy! When Daddy’s hair falls out of his head, he buries it in the backyard. In just one day, a giant tree will grow from the place where Daddy buried his hair. This tree grows black fruit that beats like a human heart! Parumpa-pum, parumpa-pum, goes the black fruit!
You must never eat the black fruit that grows from Daddy’s Hair Tree.
Want to know something awesome? Grandma looks down at Daddy from Heaven and smiles because Daddy looks so handsome in his wig! Grandma wishes she were alive so she could marry Daddy and have such a handsome husband with a handsome wig!
So three cheers for Daddy’s hat, the wig! It is a special hat for Daddy and it helps him do so many things! We love Daddy and we love his wig!