You hate to see someone flub what should be an easy hole-in-one, but unfortunately one truly boneheaded member of our family just went and pulled one of the oldest fuck-ups in the book: Grandma took an early evening nap and now she’s too awake to die peacefully in her sleep.
Rookie move, Grandma—you’re going to consciously experience the agony of death now!
Our 92-year-old grandmother was all lined up to quietly slip away in her dreams later tonight, but thanks to her unforced error of taking a 45 minute catnap while waiting for the nursing home to start serving dinner, she’s now going to be completely alert and freaked out when her vital processes start grinding to an excruciating halt around 10:30 PM. She can’t even chalk this spectacular own-goal up to senility either, because outside of nodding off in her armchair and condemning herself to a full night of gasping, self-inflicted suffering, she’s generally been sharp as a tack lately. We’d really hoped she’d stick the landing and cap off a life well-lived by dozing gently into the great beyond, but because of that shitty little nap back there she gets to go out after nine hours of wheezing and feeling like she’s got the worst charley horse of her life directly in her brain instead.
Honestly, we thought Grandma would be smart enough to avoid an amateur blunder like this given that she personally watched Grandpa die quietly in his sleep five years ago. She even told everyone how relieved she was that he could at least go as peacefully as possible! What the hell changed, Grandma? Were you looking for more of a challenge? Maybe so, because not only did she take her little nap, but she also drank a cup of Diet Coke with dinner—all but guaranteeing that she’ll be fully wired and alert on caffeine as she makes her terrifying final march into the afterlife.
Also, it’s not just herself she’s screwing over with this goof either, because now Dad’s gonna get the call in the middle of the night and have to make the three hour drive up to Vermont just so his final memory of his beloved mother can be her thrashing around full of tubes and so morphined up she doesn’t even realize he’s there. We all could have just gotten a good night’s sleep and woken up to the exact same result tomorrow, but Grandma’s dumb napping ass simply insisted on making this the worst possible version of events for everyone.
Sheesh, it really didn’t have to be this way!
Man, this death really should have been a walk in the park for Grandma, but she had to go and buy a front row ticket to her own excruciating demise by taking a snooze. We hope that nap was the best one she’s ever had, because she’s about to spend her final moments on this earth paying like hell for it!
