Brace yourself, aging millennials, because here’s yet another depressing sign that you’re not the fresh-faced young gun you once were: Archaeologists have discovered the tomb of Finn Wolfhard.
Oof. Yep, you’re officially getting old.
If it seems it was just yesterday that you were enjoying Finn Wolfhard’s performance as a 14-year-old suburban boy named Mike Wheeler in the hit show Stranger Things, this news is probably going to hit you like a ton of bricks: Earlier this week archaeologists at Bryn Mawr College unearthed the entrance to the underground burial chamber in which Wolfhard’s mummified remains were laid to rest. While it might feel like it wasn’t that long ago that you were watching him play a mischievous kid in the screen adaptation of Stephen King’s It, the crushing reality is that you have aged dramatically since then, as has Wolfhard—so much so that he’s now nothing more than an embalmed corpse and several jars containing vital organs, which researchers found next to a faded script from his role as a teen narrator in the Audible Original podcast “When You Finish Saving The World.”
Yikes. Finn Wolfhard is a mummy now? Are we seriously that old already?
The researchers were able to conclusively determine that the crypt belonged to Wolfhard after deciphering a series of primitive symbols on the wall, which identified the dead with descriptors such as “brown hair,” “Netflix,” “child actor,” and “worked with Ansel Elgort.” So unfortunately for all you millennials who still earnestly believe you can pass as college students, it’s time for a reality check, because Wolfhard is definitely no longer a precocious tween, and you’re now at an age that’s more defined by mortgage payments and back pain than partying and carefree fun.
God, where did the time go?
Sadly, it’s time to face the music and accept that you’re old as shit now. Here’s hoping that archaeologists don’t dig up any more tombs of Hollywood teenyboppers anytime soon, because realizing you’re past your prime really doesn’t feel good.
