We’re losing our minds over these first-class goons!

1. Big Willy O’Rourke

There isn’t a man or woman alive who wouldn’t want to be roughed up a little by Big Willy O’Rourke. Whether he’s administering a basic working over or an out-and-out thumping, this goon is always in top form. Anyone walking alone in an alley who finds Willy’s large silhouette cast above them knows that they’re in for an artisan clobbering.

2. Lenny Vespucci

No hired crook does it quite like Lenny Vespucci anymore. Sure, he’s big, but he’s also an absolute artist of the old-fashioned walloping. He might dangle you over a highway overpass. He might burn down your storefront to remind you of the people who helped you out on the way up. Whatever Vespucci’s up to, it’s bound to be special.

3. Ivan Vavilov

This thug’s pitiless stare puts him at the very top of our goon bucket list. You’ll love the way he cracks his knuckles before your pummeling, and you’ll never see someone give you the same level of personal attention while socking you in the gut. Let’s face it: This goon is simply among the best.

4. Moose Cliffard

Just one look at his ham-sized fists and cruel, crooked smile will leave no question in your mind as to why Moose is a major-league goon. Moose dresses sharp, loves his job, and has a pain tolerance unknown to medical literature. If you’re going to get dragged out of your car and shellacked, make sure Moose is involved.

5. Little Freddie Rosen

The things that Little Freddie Rosen can do with a knife defy any lesser criminal’s imagination. Trust us. Should you be lucky enough to see Rosen pull out his well-oiled switchblade, you’ll be sure to walk away with a scar, a masterful knock-around, and a lesson you’ll never forget.

6. Don Ronald Jameson

This. Goon. Friend to all stevedore brothers, nightmare of every scab, Don Ronald Jameson is among the last of a rare and dying breed. This consummate goon will work you over with care and finesse. He takes his time with an old-school creaming in a way that’s unique and refreshing. Anyone can bop you with a pair of brass knuckles. Only Don Ronald Jameson can make you feel special as he does it.

7. Vince Riley

He’ll knock you two weeks from Tuesday. He’ll crack you one like you’ve never had done. Seriously. Do yourself the favor of being pulverized by this goon.