One day Peter The Pear was sitting on the floor of his studio apartment and smiling while he thought about getting ready for bed. “I have everything I need to go to sleep tonight!” said Peter The Pear. “I have my pillow. I have my bed. I have my quilt. I have my album of abrasive trumpet music to drown out the sound of the midnight construction crew building the levee outside all night long. All I need now is my sleep apnea mask!”
Peter The Pear looked around his studio apartment, but he could not find his sleep apnea mask. “Oh no!” Peter The Pear cried out. “I have lost my sleep apnea mask!”
Oh no! Oh no! Peter The Pear needs his sleep apnea mask to pump air into his mouth so that he does not snore so loud all night long!
“I cannot go to sleep without my sleep apnea mask,” said Peter The Pear. “I need it so I can sleep without my soft palate collapsing and obstructing my airway. Where oh where could it be? I must look all around town.”
So Peter The Pear went out into the town to look all over the place for his sleep apnea mask.
First, Peter The Pear went to the local lye factory. The factory foreman Alicia The Apple was standing over a vat of lye, stirring it like a witch’s cauldron.
“Hello, Peter The Pear,” said Alicia The Apple. “Are you here to purchase industrial strength lye in bulk?”
“No, thank you,” said Peter The Pear. “I recently inherited several thousand tons of raw lye from my late grandfather and I will never need to buy lye again for as long as I live. I am here looking for my sleep apnea mask. Have you seen it?”
“I’m afraid I have not seen your sleep apnea mask,” said Alicia The Apple. “I have spent all day manufacturing lye so that it can be used to make soap and Drano.”
“Wow, lye sounds like an important part of our world, but sadly it is meaningless to me unless I have my sleep apnea mask,” said Peter The Pear. “I will go look for it somewhere else.”
Next, Peter The Pear went to look for his sleep apnea mask at the local mask store. The mask salesman, Cortez The Carrot, was busy spraying his masks with spoiled milk so that the foul smell would keep thieves away.
“Hello, Peter The Pear,” said Cortez The Carrot. “Are you here to purchase a mask? They smell bad right now to repel thieves, but if you buy a mask from me, then I will take a bath with your mask and it will smell good again.”
“No, thank you,” said Peter The Pear. “I do not need a mask. If I ever need a disguise, I will grow a small mustache beneath my nose and become a different person. I am here looking for my sleep apnea mask. Have you seen it?”
“I’m afraid I have not seen your sleep apnea mask,” said Cortez The Carrot. “I have spent all day selling masks so that the residents of our city can scare each other and hide their faces from the police after committing crimes.”
“Wow, masks sound like an important part of our world, but sadly they are meaningless to me unless I have my sleep apnea mask,” said Peter the Pear. “I will go look for it somewhere else.”
Next, Peter The Pear went to the local landfill. The owner of the landfill, Maurice The Banana, was busy sorting the garbage into a pile for burning and a pile for feeding to zoo animals.
“Hello, Peter The Pear,” said Maurice The Banana. “Are you here to film me while I sort the city’s garbage into two different piles?”
“No, thank you,” said Peter The Pear. “I already have a movie about you. I am here looking for my sleep apnea mask. Have you seen it?”
“I’m afraid I have not seen your sleep apnea mask,” said Maurice The Banana. “I have spent all day dividing the city’s garbage into a pile for burning and a pile for feeding to zoo animals. We must burn the garbage so that the fumes of the garbage will travel to Heaven, where God will feast on the toxic smoke of our burning trash, and if the taste of the fumes pleases Him, He will reward us by blessing our farms with good crops. We must also feed small pieces of plastic and rotting meat to our city’s zoo animals so that they do not starve, because looking at skinny animals is boring. We must have great big plump animals to look at in their cages.”
“Wow, sorting garbage sounds like an important part of our world, but sadly it is meaningless to me unless I have my sleep apnea mask,” said Peter The Pear. “Where oh where could it be? I have looked for it at the lye factory, I have looked for it at the mask store, and I have looked for it at the landfill! That is three places, and if you cannot find something after you look for it in three places, that means that it is gone forever!”
“Yes, that’s true,” said Maurice The Banana.
It was now twilight, and Venus, the Star Of Bedtime, was visible in the sky, which meant that Peter The Pear needed to go to sleep. “Without my sleep apnea mask I will snore so loudly and make noises in my sleep like a bloated sow slurping slop from a bucket. But Venus, the Star Of Bedtime, is visible in the sky, and that means I need to go to sleep, no matter what.”
So Peter The Pear went to sleep, but without his sleep apnea mask his snoring sounded like THUNDER rolling in from an angry country beyond the sea. His snoring shook the Earth and it rattled the bars of God’s cage in Heaven.
Peter The Pear’s snoring was so loud that it could be heard deep in the forest, where it woke Lucinda The Lime, that ancient witch whom some call Baba Yaga, as she lay sleeping in her cursed nest of bones and hay.
“Who has awoken me!” shrieked Lucinda The Lime.
“It was me,” said Peter The Pear. “I was snoring so loudly because I could not find my sleep apnea mask.”
“Then I must stop your snoring so that I can sleep through the night and have my dreams,” shrieked Lucinda The Lime, the ancient witch, the cursed hag, whom some call Baba Yaga. “I will use my witch magic to solve your problem.”
Lucinda The Lime muttered the words of an ancient spell, and she turned Peter The Pear into a sleep apnea mask. And then she used magic to create a new Peter The Pear out of a mossy stone. The new Peter The Pear had looked exactly like the old Peter The Pear, but had none of his memories.
The new Peter The Pear put on the sleep apnea mask, which used to be the old Peter The Pear before the witch transformed him with her magic, and he went to sleep right away. The sleep apnea mask kept his airways open and he slept without snoring. Lucinda The Lime went back to the woods to slumber, where she lies to this day, dreaming of the birth and death of the world.
And everyone lived happily ever after!
