Dad has always been a proud and stubborn man—a man who, like most white guys over 50, sticks by his guns no matter what, remaining unreasonably staunch in his viewpoints as a matter of principal, even though literally no one cares or is impressed by it. This side of Dad was on full display at dinner last night, when he went to ridiculous lengths to play down how much he loved eating a vegan meal.
Goddammit, Dad, just enjoy yourself for once. Fucking moron.
When Mom announced yesterday that she’d be making a vegan meal for dinner after seeing a Dr. Oz episode about the dangers of eating red meat, Dad immediately and predictably sounded off on the idea with a constant barrage of lame-ass jokes and comments, shouting things from his recliner like, “I’ll have the pizza place on speed dial for when we’re hungry and want a meat-lovers’ afterward,” while Mom worked tirelessly in the kitchen. And once dinner was ready, he doubled down on the wisecracks, making an exaggerated P-U face as he walked up to the fix-your-own black bean burger station Mom had set up and saying, “Hey, isn’t this the stuff we used to feed the pet rabbit?” However, once he started eating, it was very clear that he was absolutely loving the food, but instead of owning up and admitting it, he got defensive and annoyingly took the whole carnivore shtick into overdrive.
“You know, it’s not too late to go to Outback and get some T-bones like normal people,” he sneered while shoveling a second helping of Mom’s Thai-spiced sweet potatoes down his gullet, pausing his chewing for a moment to bark some dumb fact he made up about how vegetable protein isn’t real protein, which is why cavemen killed mastodons instead of planting kale. “People who eat vegan are the same people who voted for Hillary, so you know it must cause some sort of mental deficiency.”
“Although on second thought, if you’re choosing to live off a diet of grass and twigs, then you’re probably not the brightest crayon in the box to begin with,” he chuckled as he got up to get himself another black bean burger. “I gotta eat a second one of these because my stomach doesn’t seem to realize I ate the first one—it’s all empty calories, you know.”
For the rest of dinner, Dad continued to gorge himself on the vegan fare while intermittently muttering comments about things like “iron levels” and how human teeth evolved specifically for the purpose of eating meat. Visibly stuffed and leaning back in his chair, he went on to help himself to a third black bean burger, which he claimed he was only doing because “Even the dog won’t touch these leftovers,” and he didn’t want to throw out food he’d paid good money for. The anti-vegan quips kept coming till his final bite, even though he was visibly savoring the food like it was his last meal on death row.
God, what a dumbass.
Ever a prisoner to his own self-imposed life rules, it’s clear that Dad will probably never back down from his weird, macho meat-eating persona, despite the fact that deep down, there’s no doubt he thinks vegan food is incredibly delicious. He’ll just keep pathetically clinging to his rep as an aggro carnivore guy until he dies, never comprehending that truly no one gives a fuck.
