Are Your Toenails Fucked Up Enough For Your Health Insurance To Cover Getting A Pedicure As A Medical Procedure?
Getting a pedicure is sometimes just the pick-me-up you need in the middle of a stressful week, but they don’t come cheap. Luckily, you might be able to get it covered by insurance if your toenails are so fucked up it’s considered a medical procedure. Do you qualify?
Most insurance policies specifically require that toenails be “pretty goddamned fucked up” for a pedicure to be considered medically necessary. How many toenails do you have, on average, per toe?
1. One.
2. Two.
3. Three or more.
4. None.
One way to convince your health insurance to cover a pedicure if your policy is strict about what it considers a cosmetic procedure vs. a medical procedure is to prove your toenails pose a danger to yourself or others. When’s the last time you cut yourself with your toenails badly enough to be hospitalized?
1. That has never happened.
2. Over a year ago.
3. Last month.
4. I am currently hospitalized from that.
Reading the fine print to your policy is key to knowing whether or not it covers a full pedicure—emery board, foot soak, and all—as a medical necessity. How does your insurance policy define “fucked up enough to make a pedicure medically necessary” when it comes to pedicures?
1. It does not say anything about that.
2. “Disastrously overgrown to the point they affect the ability of you and those around you to eat and breathe.”
3. “Rusty, moss-covered, bleeding from the nail itself, or otherwise significantly tarnished.”
4. “Toenails that lack razzle-dazzle and simply are not as hot as they could be.”
Your insurance policy may not say anything about this specifically, but we’re just curious. IN A PINCH, would you be able to use your toenails as ice skates?
1. No.
2. Sure, but I wouldn’t be able to skate very far.
3. Yeah.
4. I actually always use my toenails instead of skates.
In some cases, incredibly fucked-up toenails can be classified as a disability. How encumbered by the weight of your toenails are you?
1. I am not encumbered by that.
2. I suppose I drag my feet a little.
3. I can no longer run.
4. I cannot move.
H.R. Giger is an acclaimed Swiss surrealist painter responsible for designing the nightmarish creatures in the Alien film series. If he were still alive, what would H.R. Giger do if saw your toenails?
1. He wouldn’t say anything about them.
2. He would smile when he saw them.
3. He would make a quick sketch of them.
4. He would do an entire art show based on them.
Typically, toenails do not move on their own. Do yours?
1. No.
2. A little, but only a few of them.
3. Now that you mention it, yes.
4. Yes, they are constantly slithering, vibrating, and pulsating.
Many policies define fucked-up toenails as those that are ”infested with all kinds of shit.” What kinds of infestations do your toenails have?
1. No infestations here!
2. Well, I guess there are a few worms living in there.
3. Swarms of centipedes and mites call my toenails home.
4. Everything up to and including fish.
We know you’re eager to find out if insurance will cover a pedicure as a medical procedure, but we have one more question: Are any of your toenails grown together?
1. No, they are all individual toenails.
2. Just the fourth little piggy and my pinky toenail.
3. Yeah. Are they not supposed to be?
4. Both of my feet essentially share one big toenail.
